"Love's Great Gifts"
Caregiver Tips©
February 2006

*Self Care Focus: Love's Great Gifts
**Words of Encouragement
***Book Award
****Reminders
*****Messages for Caregivers
******So Good I Want To Share It
*******Internet Sites 2Good2Miss
********Thank You
********* Self Care Tip
********** Share A Tip

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Words of Encouragement

Nourishing Ourselves and Others In Relationships (The Zen Way)
By Brenda Shoshanna

To care for things makes the whole world come to life.

It’s delicious to feel well nourished in relationships. There’s a hunger we have for all kinds of relationship food: warmth, kindness, appreciation, time spent together. However, when this is not forthcoming some will do anything to get fed. In order to understand the true workings of relationships, we must understand the real process of nourishment - of cooking and being fed. Right from the moment we are born, we connect being fed with being loved. When we cry, mother feeds us and we feel safe and cared for. If the food we need is withheld for too long, we believe she doesn’t love us, or that we are being punished.

This pattern can continue throughout an entire life. In some cases one person consistently plays the role of the feeder and other the role of the one being fed. Some withhold love so their partner will do what they want of them. Others feed their partners on demand. Sex is often used in this fashion, providing a sense of being loved, wanted, cared for and nourished. When it is withheld or rationed out, the hungry partner feels deprived and hurt.

Most are not aware of the many kinds of food the universe abundantly provides. As in childhood, they become fixated on one person, who they see as their sole source of well being. The first thing to notice here is our intense orientation towards receiving. We feel that in order to feel full and nourished we must be fed. This is the idea of the infant - feed me and all will be well. Lester, a man in his sixties joined a dating service, and due to his age, buoyant demeanor and big, yellow Cadillac, received one introduction after the next. After each date, he was asked to report back about how the evening went. Finally, the service received a glowing report. ‘What an evening,’ reported Lester. She’s everything I ever wanted. I went to her house for a home cooked dinner, and what did I see? A freezer full of steaks.’ This was a match made in heaven for Lester. He envisioned a lifetime of being fed.

We must be aware of all kinds of food, emotional, mental and spiritual that are needed in a complete Ucrelationship. It is necessary to stop a moment and recognize exactly what kind of food we are consuming in the relationship, is it healthy, is it food our system can digest? Although fast food may taste good and initially fill us up, it can have bad side effects. The same is true in relationships. Although what we get from our partner is initially hot and spicy it can cause heartburn later on. We can eat all day, but if we do not taste and digest what we are eating, we will never receive the nourishment we need.

Clea spent all her time wanting to change Arnold. “There’s so much that’s wonderful about him,” she said, “but what I’m hungering for, I don’t get. I need more excitement.” It was as though Arnold were an apple tree who was giving her fabulous apples, while she was all the time longing for pears. Rather than walk down the street to the pear tree and take one, she railed against this fine apple tree, which could not produce a pear, no matter how hard it tried.

Some of us are simply addicted to being dissatisfied. But in order to live a life of being in love, we must learn to take what is given and offer thanks in return. If we spend all our time wanting to change the person, rejecting their essential qualities, not wanting or valuing what they basically give, this is a sure fire recipe for nausea. In order to be well nourished in relationships we must be able to absorb what is useful and discard the rest.

We must learn to take in the beauty and value offered, and by-pass that which is not valuable. It is a mistake to expect all of our needs to be met by one person. Honor and be grateful for that which you receive. Don’t become bitter and spend all your time focussing on that which the person is not able to provide.

Feeding Others We Are Fed.

In order to receive the full nourishment we need in relationships, it is necessary to do more than take, we must learn how to become the cook – how to nourish and feed others. In Zen practice the cook is called the tenzo. During retreats the meals must be cooked with great mindfulness and care, with not a drop of food wasted. The meals have to be ready exactly the moment. The very cooking itself becomes a training in offering, not only the food, but one’s entire self. When one is in this state of being, it is impossible to be hungry or discontent.

Most have no idea what it really meant to give fully – to truly care for another person. Most of our life orientations is what we can get for ourselves. “When you’re cooking up there with total concentration, you can actually feel the effort of others sitting downstairs. You can also feel their hunger and appreciation when the food is served at the right moment,” Samantha said.

Being the cook means learning how to appreciate the needs of others, and being willing to completely fill them, on time. Rather than compulsively focus on our own hunger, we become naturally aware of the needs of others. As we do this, a strange thing happens, our own hunger completely fades away. Feeding others, we are fed ourselves. We are able to taste life (and people) as they are given. Our relationships turn around 180 degrees. It no longer becomes a question of what the other is or isn’t giving. It’s a question of what can be offered to him or to her.

As we place our attention upon the needs of others and find ways of giving to them, not only does our hunger subside, but we begin to feel full. As this process continues, there is a deeper lesson to learn, that a never ending source of all kinds nourishment exists within us. We need never feel empty or hungry again. As we get to this place, we develop parental mind.

Parental mind is the state of mind that wants to care for and nourish others. It is the mind of the mother with a newborn child. A state of unconditional regard for the world we live in. It is not a mind which keeps accounts or continually needs to be filled up and attended to.

Exercises:

1) Favorite Food

What is your favorite food in relationships? What is it you hunger for daily? How do you get fed? Does someone else feed you? Do you feed yourself? Is there some other way you could get this particular nourishment? Take a little while and find out.

2) Emotional Indigestion

What kind of food are you now absorbing in your relationships that you cannot digest? Why do you keep eating it? What do you want from it? Is there some other food that could substitute?

3) Offerings

What are the offerings you bring to life? What are you willing to give unconditionally? Are you receiving joy for doing this? If not, it is not your true offering. Spend time considering what it is that you can truly offer that will nourish and gladden others and you as well. When a large part of our lives consist in making these kind of offerings, we fall in love with life itself.

Copyright 2006 Brenda Shoshanna

Discover the surprising truths about love in Dr. Shoshanna’s new e-book Save Your Relationship. As you practice the basic laws of successful relationships she describes, you’ll see how easy it is to win at love. Save Your Relationship also includes exercises and guidance to show you how to handle rough spots and turn your relationship into all it is meant to be. To get a copy now, go to http://www.truthaboutlove.com Dr. Shoshanna is a well known psychologist, relationship expert and speaker. Some of her other books include, Zen and the Art of Falling in Love, Why Men Leave (http://www.whymenleave.com), Living by Zen, (http://www.livingbyzen.com). Contact her at topspeaker@yahoo.com, http://www.brendashoshanna.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Brenda_Shoshanna

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Book Award

Jean, a caregiver from Long Beach, New York, will be sent Ask and You Will Succeed, 1001 Ordinary Questions to Create Extraordinary Results, by Ken D. Foster.

Enjoy the read.

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Reminders

Heart Health Month
American Heart Association
7272 Greenville Avenue
Dallas, TX 75231
(800) 242-8721
inquire@americanheart.org
www.americanheart.org

AMD/Low Vision Awareness Month
Prevent Blindness America
500 East Remington Road>br> Schaumburg, IL 60173-5611
(800) 331-2020
info@preventblindness.org
www.preventblindness.org

National Children's Dental Health Month
American Dental Association
211 East Chicago Avenue
Chicago, IL 60611
(312) 440-2500
publicinfo@ada.org
www.ada.org

Wise Health Consumer Month
American Institute for Preventive Medicine
30445 Northwestern Highway, Suite 350
Farmington Hills, MI 48334
(800) 345-2476
(248) 539-1800 x247
aipm@healthylife.com
www.healthylife.com

Kids E.N.T. (Ears, Nose, Throat) Health Month
American Academy of Otolaryngology, Head and Neck Surgery, Inc.
One Prince Street
Alexandria, VA 22314-3357
(703) 836-4444
Kids@entnet.org
www.entnet.org/Kidsent/

Don't miss the March 2006 issue of "Caregiver Tips" with tips and information
on "Caregiving Stress"

iBALANCE? Teleclasses

Are you longing for the time before caregiving? What to find a way to get
back to your dreams and goals? Enroll in iBALANCE? a four-part teleclass
designed to help you take control of your life.

Meet once a week on the telephone and give yourself an hour to clear away the
guilt and stress of caregiving. Develop tools and tricks to become more
comfortable with caregiving. Learn life skills that will change your life for
the better.

Click this link to get more information about teleclasses:

Get More Teleclass Information Here

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Messages for Caregivers

How to Recognize a Stroke

Ingrid's husband called later telling everyone that his wife had been taken to the hospital - (at 6:00pm, Ingrid passed away.) She had suffered a stroke at the BBQ - had they known how to identify the signs of a stroke perhaps Ingrid would be with us today.

It only takes a minute to read this.

A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours he can totally reverse the effects of a stroke...totally. He said the trick was getting a stroke recognized, diagnosed an getting to the patient within 3 hours which is tough.

Thank God for the sense to remember the "3" steps. Read and Learn!

Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify.Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke.

Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions:

1. *Ask the individual to SMILE.

2. *Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS.

3. *Ask the person to SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE (Coherently) (i.e. . . It is sunny out today.)

If he or she has trouble with any of these tasks, call 9-1-1 immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.

After discovering that a group of non-medical volunteers could identify facial weakness, arm weakness and speech problems, researchers urged the general public to learn the three questions. They presented their conclusions at the American Stroke Association's annual meeting last February. Widespread use of this test could result in prompt diagnosis and treatment of the stroke and prevent brain damage.

BE A FRIEND AND SHARE THIS ARTICLE WITH AS MANY FRIENDS AS POSSIBLE, you could save their lives.

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So Good I Want To Share It

There was once a wise woman traveling in the mountains who found a precious stone in a stream. The next day she met another traveler who was hungry, and she opened her bag to share her food. The hungry traveler saw the precious stone and asked if she might give it to him. She did so without hesitation. The traveler left, rejoicing in his good fortune. He knew the stone was worth enough to give him security for a lifetime. But only a few days later he came back to return the stone to the woman who had given it to him.

"I've been thinking," he said, "I know how valuable the stone is, but I'm giving it back in the hope that you can give me something even more precious. I want you to give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me the stone."

-Author Unknown

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Internet Sites 2Good2Miss

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Thank You

I also want to thank those that have sent an email with a
request for information. I enjoy hearing from you and hope
that I can provide some support or help when you need it. Please
continue to send me your comments and requests.

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Self Care Tip

Caregiving Tips for Boomers: 5 Tips for Decreasing the Cost of Caring for Elderly Parents

By Dr. Vicki Rackner

Caregiving Tips for Boomers: 5 Tips for Decreasing the Cost of Caring for Elderly Parents
By Dr. Vicki Rackner

Over 30 million Baby Boomers provide countless hours of assistance to elderly parents at no charge. It is estimated that, using average hourly wages, the total amount of this uncompensated care is comparable to the entire Medicare budget. For the estimated 7 million Boomers who provide long distance care, actual out of pocket expenses amount to almost $5,000 per month. For caregivers who have, or are considering leaving the workforce to care for an ailing parent, the costs are even greater – over $650,000 in forfeited salaries, benefits and pensions.

This stark economic reality shows only one dimension of the price caregivers pay for this act of love.

Caregivers pay with losses that extend well beyond their bank accounts. They often forego the activities that bring joy and richness to their lives, like meeting friends for dinner, or going out to the movies or taking family vacations. They pay with their time, the loss of professional opportunities and the erosion of personal relationships that result in isolation.

Sometimes, otherwise healthy loved ones need a short dose of care as they recover from an acute medical episode like a broken leg. Usually loved ones are on a path of steady decline with cascading assistance needs. Some caregivers sacrifice large chunks of their own lives as they help their parents and other family members and friends peacefully make their transitions. Caregivers can pay with their own health and well-being. In fact, we have evidence that some caregivers pay for their acts of care with their very lives.

You can decrease the personal and economic costs of caregiving. This means proactive planning rather than reactive responding. Planning saves money. You know this as you reflect upon your experiences of going to the grocery store with and without a shopping list. Planning also minimizes personal wear and tear and decreases stress. You will feel much better when you know your options and develop back-up plans before you jump into a challenging project.

5 Tips to Decrease the Cost of Caregiving:

1. Begin the conversation today. We have tremendous cultural resistance to the recognition of aging, disability and death. Just as the first few steps uphill are the hardest, so, too, you may meet the greatest resistance simply starting the conversation about their possible need for care. Say today, “Mom and Dad, it would be great if you lived forever, but the discovery for the fountain of youth is nowhere on the horizon. What thoughts and plans do you have about enjoying your golden years?”

2. Create a plan. Talk with your parents about their ideal plan if they are no longer able to care for themselves. Then, start to work toward that proactively. Investigate long-term care insurance. Draw up the appropriate legal documents. Find out who would make medical choices if they were not able to make them on their own, along with some guiding principles for the choices. You can anticipate and limit parental resistance by saying, “Mom and Dad, I just got back from the lawyer’s office signing my will and durable medical power of attorney. I’ve asked Mitch to make my medical choices if I cannot make them myself. Just so you know, if I were in vegetative state, I wouldn’t want to be maintained on a machine. You probably already planned ahead too, right?”

3. Use personal and community resources. Make caregiving a family job to which each member contributes. Even children can make grandma’s life special with drawings and phone calls. Identify services that make your job as a caregiver easier. If you and your parents live in the same community, check with friends and neighbors and local organizations to learn about services and resources that will make your job easier. You say, “Mom has just moved in with us, and she wants to ‘find a card game with the girls.’ Do you know of any senior centers that have social events? How about transportation?”

We’re a mobile society and millions of caregivers live more than an hour away from their parents. Executive William Gillis learned from his own personal experience how challenging it is to identify community resources from afar. As he was carving the path that ultimately led his on-line portfolio management service, he became the caregiver for his father. Talk about mixed emotions! Professionally, he was introducing a service that let millions manage their investments with one click of a computer mouse. Personally, he was investing untold hours just to find one bit of information to help his dad.”

As with so many innovators, he used his personal and professional experience to launch Parent Care (www.parents-care.com), a service that he wished would have made his life as a caregiver-at-a-distance easier.

4. Gather cost-savings tips. This might mean something as simple as ordering generic medication or regularly inquiring about senior discounts. But, most cost savings opportunities aren’t as obvious. Mr. Gillis found, for example, that some states will pay for phones for hearing, visually or mobility limited seniors or fund home safety improvements. He said, “We’ve invested heavily to locate time and money saving resources that most would have difficulty finding. I made it a personal mission to help other caregivers avoid some of the costs and frustration I encountered.” You don’t have to re-invent the wheel. Tap into the resources others have collected.

5. Take care of yourself. You will be able to provide the best care as a caregiver when you’re at your best. Get good nutrition, enough sleep and regular exercise. Manage your stress and do a little something every day to nurture your soul. Understand that you are at increased risk for anxiety, depression, and weakening your immune system. Talk to your doctor if you see worrisome signs such as problems sleeping, changes in appetite or loss of interest in activities you enjoy.

Despite the costs, most caregivers say that they received much more than they gave. Most say they would do it again, and many do.

Sometimes the question is not the personal cost of caregiving; it’s the value that you bring to the lives of others that matter at the end. What personal cost are you willing to pay for the privilege of helping those who welcomed you into the world to enjoy their golden years and travel the road of illness with love and dignity?

Dr. Vicki is a board-certified surgeon and Clinical Instructor at the University of Washington School of Medicine who left the operating room to help caregivers and patients take the most direct path from illness to optimal health. Want more tips about caregiving? Get your free report "Caring for the Caregiver" by emailing Dr. Vicki Rackner today at DrVicki@DrVicki.org and be sure to check out her regular column with the Johnson & Johnson Consumer Products Group’s new caregiver web site http://www.strengthforcaring.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Dr._Vicki_Rackner

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